Attempt To Make And Keep Friends Daily
"Loneliness isn't the physical absence of other people. It is the sense that you're not sharing anything that matters with anyone else. To end loneliness, you need to have a sense of 'mutual aid and protection,' with at least one other person, and ideally many more."1
Loneliness and social anxiety were the natural effects of my withdraw from people. (See my last post; Going From Enduring Life to Living Life)
By the time I decided that I wanted to connect with people again and make some friends, socializing had become like a very weak unused muscle for me and it was painful and difficult to open myself up to others. For the next ten years, even though I wanted friends, I could not push through my fears; What if I didn't know what to say to someone or what if I said something dumb? What if someone didn't like me? What if I offend someone? These fears were powerful enough to keep me from trying to make friends again and for the next ten years, I socialized only when absolutely necessary. It is a miracle that I found my husband during this time considering how little I liked talking.
However, this crippling fear changed when I had my first child... My first boy.
I could tell almost from the day he was born that he was a social boy. He loved people. At first I found this intimidating, but after a few months with him, as this quality became more pronounced, I realized that he had a gift.
It didn't take me long to recognize that just like all other gifts we are given, his social gift needed to be cultivated, especially while young, or he could lose it. I realized the influence I had on him as a mother and I knew that if I didn't help or teach him to interact with others that there was a good chance... that he would turn out to be like me.
It is hard for me to describe how sick this new fear made me. The last thing I wanted for my son was for him to be isolated from the world, but at the same time I was also afraid of facing people myself. I felt torn.
Thankfully, the love that I had for my son overpowered my other fears and won the battle. It was this love that inspired and taught me how to be a part of the world again, socially. Before my boy could even crawl I decided that I would do whatever it took to prevent him from isolating himself like I have.
It was here that I began my difficult and long journey to becoming more social again by not only learning how to make friends but learning how to keep them.
Making Friends
Talking to people- This is a skill that I lost when I began pushing people away. This might sound silly to some, but I really needed help learning how to talk to people again so I began doing a lot of research.
In my research I found this article;
'Become More Talkative'
https://www.wikihow.com/Become-More-Talkative
This article gave me some good pointers which I memorized and began practicing on everyone I came in contact with.
This was terribly difficult for me. I had to force myself to talk and the first dozen conversations I had with others were really awkward. But after every conversation I made mental notes on what I could do better the next time. I practiced again and again and gradually (over several years) I got better and better.
Keeping Friends
Making friends is only the first part of socializing. Keeping friends is a whole different ball game and there are six things that I had to learn how to do in this area:
1. Sacrifice (Service)- Being a friend takes sacrifice and is not always convenient. I remember as a young mother receiving a phone call as I was heading out the door to run some much-needed errands. Someone I had recently met had an appointment to get to and she was wondering if I could watch her son. I didn't necessarily want to put my errands on hold, but I couldn't turn her down. Without realizing it, this act of service made me feel important and needed and helped me strengthen my friendship with this young mother.
2. Ask for and be willing to accept help - On the flip side of service, asking for help is equally important. When the young mother had asked for my help in watching her son, it had made me feel important. When I ask others for help, I have found that I am giving others the opportunity to feel needed or important too.
Asking for help is also a great support for us individually. Growing up, I felt that asking for help made me weak. If I couldn't succeed at something all on my own, then I didn't succeed. After watching my husband complete medical school I realized how wrong I was. He had accomplished something great, something really hard, but he didn't do it alone. His family, my family, me and teachers along the way were all there to give advice, be a shoulder to cry on, motivate and provide support financially. I have learned that if I want to get through something hard (life), I will have to accept help, and that is okay!
3. Be Real- I remember the first time I heard my friend confess that she had yelled at her son earlier in the day. I almost couldn't believe that she was telling me that, but it made me feel better about myself since I had done the same thing. This confession did not make me justify what I had done. I knew it was still wrong to yell at my son, but I now didn't feel so alone in my imperfection.
I have this tendency to portray myself as perfect. I really want to be, but in reality, I never will. This friend helped me see that I shouldn't be pretending to be perfect, but instead I should be joining forces with all of the other imperfect people around me trying to lift them while they lift me. I learned to be real, to tell the truth even if it exposes my weaknesses.
4. Don't Judge others- Talk Good About Others- Going along with being real, I have learned that when others are brave enough to share their weaknesses with me I need to resist the urge to judge. Gossiping and making judgments was perfectly normal when I was growing up so I joined in, to be "a part of the group". I learned that I only gossiped/judged to bring others down to my low level of self esteem. I also learned (the hard way) that this is a great way to lose friends.
I have learned that by changing the way I talked about others and by looking for the good in them, I began without knowing it, training my mind to look for the good in me. This has built my confidence and has strengthened my relationships with others allowing myself to understand them.
5. Forgiveness- As with all relationships, by letting friends into my life, I opened myself up to being hurt by others again. It is inevitable that I am going to get my feelings hurt by others, especially close friends and family. This meant that I had to learn a new virtue. I used to push people away and hold grudges against others who offended me. It was easier. I guess I did it as a sort of punishment to the other person, trying to make them hurt like they had hurt me and since I wasn't interested in keeping friends, this worked for me.
The most difficult part of forgiveness for me is finding the desire to forgive. I am still learning about this, but the one thing that has helped push me to find this desire to forgive is remembering what I lose when I don't. Pushing people away takes me back to square one making me a lonely person... I don't want that anymore.
6. Personality Clashes- Sometimes there are people that I just clash with due to personality differences. My initial reaction to these people who I tend to feel inferior to or angry around, is to stay away from them. Learning about personalities has helped me broaden my perspective of others which has allowed me to be more compassionate, understanding and patient with them and myself.
This can be difficult as I learned what weaknesses were present in my personality, but I only feel more empowered now knowing that I can work on those as well.
The Color Code was one personality test that I found particularly helpful. It first helped me learn about my own personality and then gave me pointers on how I could approach other people with different personalities in an effective way so we could get along.
After a lot of practice, I gained what the quote above describes as a solution to loneliness, "a sense of mutual aid and protection." This mainly came from other mothers who have become my close friends. We serve... each other. We lift..... each other. We forgive.... each other and in turn each of us have survived the hardships of life.
I have been practicing this habit for almost five years and I no longer have the social anxiety that would cripple me before. I am willing to meet new people even if they are pretty, accomplished or talented (for the most part) and I have made some amazing friends through this. I want to extend a heartfelt thank you to those women who have been my helpers in supporting me as a mother, in Illinois, Montana and now. You know who you are, and you are amazing!!
As a teenager, I decided that people are... bad.
It is through this process that I have realized that people are also... incredibly good!
This is why we need each other!
References
1 Hari, J. (2018). Lost Connections. Berryville: Bloomsbury.
