Just a brief history- I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2014, at age 31. Up until this time I had never opened up to anyone about what was really going on in my head. I knew that these thoughts and feelings were not healthy. But, I also felt like “You’ve made it this far on your own- so everything is OK”. It was not until I experienced a full emotional breakdown during a routine checkup in my Doctors office, that I realized I may really have a problem. At that time, I was prescribed two medications that really did help. I felt happier and calm, very rarely did I feel the sense of impending doom that had been so consistent for the majority of my life.

 

Fast forward to April 1st 2017- I received a phone call letting me know my Grandfather had died. He had just been released to go home from the Hospital days earlier. My assumption was he had passed in his sleep but, that was not the case. He had taken his own life! The news broke me, I collapsed on the floor in my hallway and sobbed. In the days following, I had not felt so sad and empty in years. So, I stopped taking my medication. Something in me at that time told me that they were not working and that they never had. I tried my best to be present for my family because I knew we were all in this pain together. But I was distant, I felt like I was watching everyone through a window.

 

My Dad had been the one to find my Grandpa. I cannot begin to imagine what that trauma would do to you. On top of that he had suffered from Alcoholism for as long as I can remember. This was something that caused a lot of pain in my family. While I will not go into detail we ALL suffered physical and mental abuse as a result of his addiction. Which is why, when he was heavily drinking following my Grandpas death I was angry. We would have arguments, there was name calling and blaming. I ended up doing everything I could to not be around him…

 

June 21st 2017- My Mom was calling, it was late and I knew it had something to do with my Dad. I did not want to hear it, so I let the call go to voicemail. She called back immediately, this told me something must really be wrong so I answered.

       “Christina? I need you here! I need you here NOW! Your Father has passed away”

 

This was not what I had expected. I do not remember driving to my parent’s house but, suddenly there I was. My Brother and Sisters came and to this very moment it all still seems so unreal. His death was listed undetermined, reports indicated brain trauma some spots dating back years. It is believed that he had a seizure that caused him to fall and hit his head, killing him.

 

After this my depression deepened, I felt guilty. Guilty for how I had treated him, how I had left my Mom to deal with him on her own. I felt guilty for being sad. Like – How dare you feel this pain, when you did nothing to help him or other grieving family members. I felt guilty for my existence. I know now that this was depression talking and for just over 2 years I have struggled every day to regain control.  I hear constantly from friends who knew me before, say that I have changed. I am not the same Christina that they knew. It is true- I went down a really dark, angry path for a long time. It was not until I stared opening up about my mental health that I realized just how far I had let it drag me down.

 

My first step to dealing with depression. Not just after the loss of a loved one but, anytime you are in that painful place. Is to talk about it! Be open and honest with yourself about how you are really feeling on the inside. Then find someone to listen. I have a couple of close friends that I can speak with and for now that is helping me.

 

My second step may be a bit out there for some people but, I have had so many positive and meaningful connections through Psychic/ Medium readings I could go on for days. Instead I’ll just share one recent experience. A while back I listened to a book (which I highly recommend) entitled SIGNS- The Secret Language of the Universe by Laura Lynne Jackson.  In this book she discusses how to ask and look for signs from your loved ones who have passed.

 

One morning I was feeling down and I decided to ask my Dad for a sign. I said “OK Dad, if you can hear me, send me a Crow” Now to be honest I asked for a Crow in a very specific spot (which will remain just between the two of us) Time passed and I never received this specific sign. I never told anyone about it and I just moved on.

 

Months later I had a Psychic / Medium reading. Right out of the gate I’m told that my Dad is here and that he comes to me in Crows! She asked “do you see Crows often?”  “He is telling me that is him!” what more validation did I need?! We are not alone our loved ones are always near.  If you talk to them they will answer. You just have to watch for the signs!

 

I have joined a local Cat Rescue. I am the Volunteer Coordinator and I get to spend at least one day a week with our cats. I believe that being of service to those in need, is so important to healing. I know that even on my worst day I am doing good somewhere.

 

I also find Meditation to be very helpful. There are so many apps available today to assist you in your journey. I currently use an app called Insight Timer, there is literally a meditation for everything you can imagine. For me there is something so powerful about sitting quietly and just getting out of your own head for a few minutes.

 

Finally- My daily therapy is music. No, I do not sing nor can I play an instrument. But listening to music, singing along and dancing (where appropriate) is such a mood lifter for me. When my Dad died I made a playlist for his memorial service. It is filled with all the songs that he loved and ones that remind us of him.  From The Beatles to Led Zeppelin and everything in between. I’m going to share with you a song that will forever remind me of my Dad and happier times. Moonshadow- by Cat Stevens. Every time I hear this song I think of my Dad and I can picture him singing along grinning from ear to ear. I hope that you enjoy!