Sequel to Learning to Live

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It can be difficult to be happy for others in their accomplishments when you're not pursuing any dreams of your own.

 

I was young when I first saw the movie Rudy. It was an inspiring, true story about Daniel Ruettiger, a middle class boy who was expected to do no more than work at the same factory jobs as his father. A boy who was told all of his life that he would never amount to much.

 

But Daniel had a dream. A big dream. To go to Notre Dame University... and play football. It wasn't easy for him. He had to overcome many obstacles including his dyslexia that made learning very difficult. He had to take a different route than originally planned, but after many years he finally got into Notre Dame and eventually played football. 

 

As a little girl, I loved his story. It made every dream seem possible to me and I tried to dream big. Unfortunately, though, as I grew older I realized how difficult it is to survive in this world. Before I knew it, my bigger dreams were pushed aside.

 

Now this doesn't mean that I didn't dream, because I did. But I chose dreams that were safe. I chose dreams  I was sure I could accomplish. If there was even a little doubt that I wouldn't be able to accomplish something, then I didn't do it.

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When my husband and I got married, after I had completed my 'safe dream career' training, I moved to the Caribbean with him and got a job to help support us through his new dream. Medical school. During the next seven years I worked hard, my husband worked hard, we moved a lot, and I was so busy that I didn't have time to think about dreams of my own. I only focused on one thing. Surviving the schooling.

 

In the spring of 2017, after years of working hard, years of sacrifice, years of tears and endless odd shifts, our medical school dream drew to a close. We prepared for his graduation and on June 30, 2017 I watched as my amazing husband walked up to the podium in the hall of a party center in Carbondale, IL, and accepted his diploma.

 

There were two very strong emotions that surfaced in this moment.

 

I was so happy for my husband, and for me. There was a certain relief from knowing that this was all over. We had done it! It had been hard but my husband was now a doctor.

 

As happy as I was, though, there was another emotion that surfaced. This part is difficult for me to share since I'm ashamed of this moment of weakness, but I feel that it's important for me to illustrate the kinds of feelings that came from not making an effort to create my own individual dreams.

 

I was jealous of my husband. He had accomplished so much in his life; he had traveled to so many places in the world, he had gone to Africa to educate kids about AIDS, he had trained for and run two full marathons, and now he had completed the training to be a doctor. Next to him, I felt so small and insignificant. I was a great supported, but I hadn't really worked hard to complete something for myself. He kept progressing through life, and I felt stuck. I felt lost and I began to question my purpose in life.

 

I was also resentful. I had spent the last seven years of my life working hard to support him. People always told me that this was my achievement too and in a way, yes it is, but the diploma is in his name,. He is the doctor, this was his dream.

 

Resentment and jealousy are not good feelings, and I hated feeling this way towards the person I love the most in the world. At this point, I felt like I had two choices. I could either dwell on my jealous and resentful feelings, and continue to push away the person I needed the most, simply because he accomplished his dreams. Or, I could be inspired by his success and decide to choose a dream of my own.

 

That's what I did. I chose a dream. My dream. Something I had wanted to do as a little girl. A dream so big that, at the time, I believed that there was a 99% chance it could not come true. And I went for it anyway.

 

Now there are a lot of different dreams I could have chosen. I need to note that my family is my number one priority in my life and my dream had to accommodate them. It also had to accommodate my values. This did not limit me at all. It was easy for me to find an outstanding dream that fit my life. I also need to note that my dream requires effort and sacrifice from my husband. It was important for him to be on board with my dream just like it was important for me to be on board with his. But he still has his own dreams too.

 

The funny thing about big dreams is that they're a sure way to bring out your worst fears. 

 

As I began making goals and trying to accomplish my dream, my fears... the bad ones that prevent me from success, pulled at me. I quickly began to realize how much time and sacrifice would be required of me to do what I wanted to do, and I questioned whether or not I should do it. My fear of failure began to kick in bringing some prominent questions to my mind.

 

If there's a chance I'm never going to reach my dream, then why go through all of this? What is the point?

 

I was so afraid of the possible outcome, failure, that I didn't even want to try.

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This was when I found Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I won't go into all the nitty gritty details, but ultimately I had to force myself to face my fear, and the best way to do that was find opportunities... to fail. I found so many books on overcoming, facing, and getting rid of fear. I read them all, I took notes and applied the principles to my life. Daniel (Rudy) Ruettiger also became my hero as I remembered his story at this time. If he could achieve his dream even after failing so many times, then I could do the same.

 

My big dream is to write a young adult trilogy. It has been two years now since I began working towards it. I still struggle with my fear of failure often as I pursue my dream, but I have not given up and it has gotten easier.

 

So... what is the point of dreaming big if there is a chance that I will fail? I eventually got my own answer to this question:

 

The most important benefit I've seen from going through all this is how I feel about myself. Every time I make an effort to pursue my dream, I feel like more of my own individual person. I am not just the wife of Dr. England, or the mother of three boys, but I am me. I am Natalie, with my own individual abilities to contribute to the world. And because I am confident with who I am, I am better able to love others.

 

Dreaming big isn't about the outcome. It isn't about the end goal. Even though I'll be very disappointed if I don't achieve my dream, I have learned that dreaming big is about the process. It has pushed me forward out of my comfort zone. It has forced me to learn new things. My dream has nothing to do with mental health, and yet it has forced me to learn more about my depression and anxiety than I ever imagined. This blog and all the things in it I have learned, are a result of this big dream.

 

Looking back on the time helping my husband achieve his dream, I don't know if I was supposed to start dreaming then. There might be a time for dreaming and a time for hard work. All I know, is that my life now is just as busy as it was then and I certainly have to make time for my dream now. Even though I have many days of discouragement and I have wanted to quit many times, this dream is now so much a part of me that I can't let it go.

 

It is very difficult as a mother and wife to not get lost in the world of my husband and kids. Dreaming big has helped me feel connected... to me.