You know that confidence I talked about in my post titled ‘My Impossible Dream’? The confidence that came from trying to recognize and accept gifts I've been given and cultivate them for good? The confidence that came from spending years of my life trying to write a trilogy that would hopefully uplift and encourage others? Well after ten months of trying to find a publisher for my first book, and receiving rejection after rejection, that confidence is gone. Every little bit of it.
It’s very tempting at this point to quit. It’s difficult for me to describe how tired I am of fighting. Fighting to find time. Fighting to feel qualified. It’s hard not to think that I’ve wasted the last four years of my life trying to write this trilogy when I could have spent my time on other things. I want to quit. And I would… Except that I have this undeniable feeling that I need to keep moving forward.
Unfortunately, I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that. I don’t know how I’m supposed to fight when the odds are NOT ever in my favor. I don’t know how I’m supposed to stand strong when I feel nothing but weak.
But I guess that’s what faith is, isn’t it? Moving through the darkness without seeing the light. Choosing to press forward because you feel it’s right without knowing the how or why. I’ve always thought faith is beautiful. At least beautiful to watch on the outside when someone else is exercising it. But going through this experience, I’ve realized that having faith doesn’t always feel beautiful on the inside. Instead, it feels a little lonely, a little scary, and very tiring.
But then mixed in with those feelings there's also a little bit of hope. Hope that if I place everything in God’s hands, I will eventually feel okay and end up where I’m supposed to be.
So, as of today, to help me keep moving forward and exercise that little bit of hope, I’ve decided to change my course a bit. My book is still being reviewed by one publisher, but because my confidence has been so affected by the constant rejections this last year, I will no longer submit my book to anyone. Instead, I will focus all my efforts and time on finishing the second book and then the third. This will probably take me an ETERNITY to do, but I will do my best. When I'm done with the trilogy, then I will decide where to go from there.
I don’t know where this journey will lead me. My end destination will most likely look very different from what I have envisioned, but even though it will be different, that doesn’t mean it will be any less special. I will be honored if I eventually end up where it is I'm supposed to be.
Even though there’s a lot I don’t know right now, I do know this. That Heavenly Father lives, and He loves us. I know that just because we go through dark times doesn't mean that we are forsaken. It simply means that He trusts us enough to give us challenges, and He hopes with all His heart that we will choose to find the light again.
If you're going through dark times, just know that I'm right there with you… and so is He.
I hope you can all have a good week :)
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