Written by Dave Epperson
In 1985 I ruptured a disk in L5-S1 of my lower back. The pain was excruciating. There were times that the only thing I could do was lie on the floor and crawl on my hands and knees because standing hurt too much and would cause muscle spasms.
I agreed to have a caudal block done which gave me relief for a little bit. Finally in May of 1985 I had a laminectomy This lasted until 1988 and the pain returned. At one point I ended up in the emergency room because my back muscles had spasmed and I could not move. I worried if I would ever have the chance to run and play with my children. I was not able to work. I had a wife and two children at the time. I did not know how I was going to be able to support my family.
Gathering up all the courage I could, I went to my Bishop for help. I had worked since I was eight and I took pride in the fact I was a hard worker. My Bishop at the time owned his own company. I did not expect his reaction to my request for assistance. He told me that whenever he received a workman's comp claim he denied it. He suggested I get up and go back to work, as if I was just being lazy. He told me that he would never allow his wife to support him. This felt like a total slap in the face. I felt offended. I ended up going to see my Stake President and asked him for help. He called my Bishop up at the time and rebuked him and instructed him to help me. A short note to this. A few years later that Bishop started having small strokes. I was 28 at the time so he would have been about 32. Eventually, he got to the point where he could not write his name. He had to quit his family-owned company. His wife had to go to work. He eventually went to work as a janitor at the local elementary school. I cried for him. I felt so bad that this happened to him because I remembered how he had reacted to my request for assistance. Even though he had offended me I still felt love for him.
The Relief Society President came to our home and went through our food supply. She too was judgmental. She said, "You have plenty of food in here." We lived in a mobile home at the time surrounded by gated communities. We were poor compared to most of the other people in our ward who lived in custom homes.
I ended up having my vertebrae fused and was ended up going to college and get a degree. Our living conditions improved and finally we were able to get a house. I still have back pain. I had another surgery in 2014 and another in 2016. I wake up some nights with such severe pain in my legs that I can't sleep. I am 60 now and after having lost my last job due to the Covid19 I have gained 20 pounds. I still try to be active. The pain comes and goes. I worry about what I will be able to do once I am able to get a job and go back to work. I wonder how limited I will be.
I am starting to get pain again in my lower back but I try to ignore it and keep moving. Some days the depression is bad. I have started to do woodworking to keep me busy. I have tried to make things for other people as a way of ministering. When I serve others I forget about my situation, but then I end up second-guessing myself after I do it and how others will look at my actions. Will it seem weird to them when I approach someone I don't really know and they don't know me and ask if I can do something for them? Will I come across strange? Do they really like what I made or are they just being nice? Depression can be crippling and can sometimes be more painful than physical pain.
Now I am a grandpa with 20 grandchildren. I wrestle with my grandsons. I am able to be more active than I was 35 years ago when I first hurt my back. I was able to play with my kids. I even went rollerblading with them in our neighborhood when they were teenagers. I tried to do that a few weeks ago and found I can't even go around the rink once. So there are some things I can do and others I can't. Some days I am able to go out to my shop and other days the depression keeps me from wanting to do anything.
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