Sequel to Learning to Live
It can be difficult to be happy for others in their accomplishments when you are not pursuing any dreams of your own.
I was young when I first saw the movie Rudy. It was an inspiring, true story about Daniel Ruettiger, a middle class boy who was expected to do no more than work at the same factory jobs as his father. A boy who was told all of his life that he would never amount to much.
But Daniel had a dream. A big dream. To go to Notre Dame University...…. and play football. It wasn't easy for him. He had to overcome many obstacles including his dyslexia that made learning very difficult. He had to take a different route than originally planned, but after many years he finally got into Notre Dame and eventually played football. I recently read his biography and I cried many times as he described the feelings he had as he accomplished these 'impossible' things.
As a little girl, I loved his story. It made every dream seem possible to me and I tried to dream big, but unfortunately as I grew older and realized how difficult it is to survive in this world, my dreams were pushed aside.
Now this doesn't mean that I didn't dream, because I did. But I chose dreams that were safe. I chose dreams that I was sure I could accomplish. If there was even a little doubt that I wouldn't be able to accomplish something, then I didn't do it.
I remember in college failing a class that I needed to pass in order to get into the surgical technology program that I had dreamed of getting into (one of my bigger dreams). It was a difficult class that I had put much effort into and I was so discouraged when I didn't pass.
I never took the course again. I quit my dream all together deciding that it was too hard and instead, I chose a new one that was easier.
When my husband and I got married, after I had completed my new 'safe dream career' training, I moved to the Caribbean with him and I got a job to help support us both through his new dream...medical school. During the next seven years, I worked hard, my husband worked hard, we moved a lot, and I was so busy that I didn't have time to think about dreams of my own. I only focused on one thing. Surviving the schooling.
In the spring of 2017, after years of working hard, years of sacrifice, years of tears and endless odd shifts, our medical school journey drew to a close. We prepared for his graduation and on June 30, 2017 I watched as my amazing husband walked up to the podium in the hall of a party center in Carbondale, IL, and accepted his diploma.
There were two very strong emotions that were triggered in this moment.
I was so happy for my husband, and for me. There was a certain relief that came from knowing that this was all over. We had done it! It had been hard but my husband was now a doctor.
As happy as I was, though, there was another emotion that surfaced. This part is difficult for me to share since I am ashamed of this moment of weakness but I feel that it is important for me to illustrate the kinds of feelings that came from not making an effort to create my own individual dreams.
I was jealous of my husband. He had accomplished so much in his life; he had traveled to so many places in the world, he had gone to Africa to educate kids about AIDS, he had trained for and run two full marathons, and now he had completed the training to be a doctor. He didn’t let the challenges of life keep him from living. He pushes through. Me, I felt stuck. I felt lost and I began to question my purpose in life.
I was also resentful. I had spent the last seven years of my life working hard to support him. People always told me that this was my achievement too and in a way, yes it is, but the diploma is in his name, he is the doctor, this was his dream.
Resentment and jealousy are not good feelings and I hated feeling this way towards the person I loved the most in the world. At this point, I felt like I had two choices. I could either dwell on my jealous and resentful feelings and continue to push away the person I needed the most simply because he accomplished his dreams..... or...… I could be inspired by his success and decide to choose a dream of my own.
That is what I did. I chose a dream. My dream. Something I had wanted to do as a little girl. A dream so big that, at the time, I believed that there was a 99% chance that it would not come true.
Now there are a lot of different dreams I could have chosen. I need to note that my family is my number one priority in my life and my dream had to accommodate them. It also had to accommodate my values. This did not limit me at all. It was easy for me to find an outstanding dream that fit my life. I also need to note that my dream requires effort and sacrifice from my husband. It was important for him to be on board with my dream just like it was important for me to be on board with his. But he still has his own dreams too.
The funny thing about big dreams is that they are a sure way to bring out your worst fears.
As I began making goals and trying to accomplish my dream, my fears... the bad ones that prevent me from connecting to the world around me, pulled at me. I quickly began to realize how much time and sacrifice would be required of me to do what I wanted to do, and I questioned whether or not I should do it. My fear of failure began to kick in bringing some prominent questions to my mind.
If there is a chance that I am never going to reach my dream, then why go through all of this? What is the point?
I was so afraid of the possible outcome, failure, that I didn't even want to try.
I realized that I could do one of two things. Either quit my dream all together, or get help and face my fear.
This was when I found Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (see my post Discovering Core Beliefs to read more of what this process entailed). I pinpointed the core belief that triggered my fear of failure and made some adjustments. I also learned that through exposure therapy I could face my fear and it would get easier through time. This meant that I had to find opportunities.... to fail. I found so many books on overcoming, facing and getting rid of fear. I read them all, I took notes and applied the principles to my life. Daniel (Rudy) Ruettiger also became my hero as I remembered his story at this time. If he could achieve his dream even after failing so many times then I could do the same.
I am not yet ready to share my dream, but it has been two years now since I began working towards it. I still struggle with my fear of failure often as I pursue my dream, but I have not given up and it has gotten easier.
So.... what is the point of dreaming big if there is a chance that I will fail? I eventually got my own answer to this question:
The most important benefit I have seen from going through all this is how I feel about myself. Every time I make an effort to pursue my dream, I feel like more of my own individual person. I am not just the wife of Dr. England, or the mother of three boys, but I am me. I am Natalie, with my own individual abilities to contribute to the world.
Dreaming big isn't about the outcome. It isn't about the end goal. Even though I will be very disappointed if I don't achieve my dream, I have learned that dreaming big is about the process. It has pushed me forward out of my comfort zone. It has forced me to learn new things. My dream has nothing to do with mental health, and yet it has forced me to learn more about my depression and anxiety than I ever imagined. This blog and all the things in it that I have learned are a result of this big dream.
Looking back on the time helping my husband achieve his dream, I don't know if I was supposed to start dreaming then. There might be a time for dreaming and a time for hard work. All I know, is that my life now is just as busy as it was then and I certainly have to make time for my dream now. Even though I have many days of discouragement and I have wanted to quit a couple of times, this dream is now so much a part of me that I can't let it go.
It is very difficult as a mother and wife to not get lost in the world of my husband and kids. Dreaming big has helped me feel connected...… to me.
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