I hate feeling stuck in life. And I've felt stuck a lot.
And yet, as much as I hate feeling like I'm not progressing in life, I have a tendency to avoid doing those things I need to do to get unstuck. Like step out of my comfort zone, and try new things, regardless of the likely failure or rejection.
A couple years ago, during a difficult time, I decided to try to get myself unstuck. To start facing my fears by putting myself in circumstances where I would fail and be rejected. I put myself in circumstances that would ensure my worst fears would come true, and I did this in hopes of gaining more strength and resilience.
In other words, I went looking for trouble 😬.
I made a goal to try to achieve something bigger than myself and refuse to be knocked down when I failed. This bigger achievement I chose, was to write a young adult fiction trilogy.
It's been three and a half years since I made this decision and I've worked on plotting, writing, and rewriting this every day since. To say this process has been difficult is an understatement.
I can’t tell you how many times I plotted and wrote for months, only to edit and find that I needed to start all over again.
I can't tell you how many times I’ve wanted to quit because, regardless of the many sacrifices I‘ve made, there's no guarantee my book will ever succeed.
I can't tell you how many hours of sleep I’ve sacrificed simply because 11:00 pm to 2:00 am was the only time I could find to write.
I can't tell you how many days I‘ve spent working through my fears, guilt and fatigue, only to wake up the next day to start it all over again.
And I can't tell you how many times I was brought to my knees, not sure that I had any more fight left within me.
But through all the difficulties and pain, I've witnessed three subtle blessings, blessings I never would have expected from this process, blessings I didn't quite appreciate until they began growing within me:
More confidence in myself that came from recognizing and accepting the gifts I've been given and trying to cultivate them for good.
More courage that came from believing in myself and my abilities, even when it felt like nobody else believed in me.
More love... for me, as I realized that I am worth sacrificing time for too.
I'm humbled and amazed that such a difficult journey could bring me such needed and beautiful gifts. I never imagined that facing my fears would help me learn to love myself more.
As of today, my 31st birthday, I have officially finished the first book of the trilogy and submitted it to a couple of literary agents in hopes of finding a publisher. I couldn't have done this without the amazing support of my husband who has been there to pick me up when I couldn’t get up myself.
I have a long way to go. The road ahead of me is full of more rejection, more failure and more pain. It will possibly be even more painful for me than the last three years, which is why I'm writing this. To remind myself on those difficult days, that as much as I want my book to be published, that is not the only prize to be obtained.
I have already received the incredible blessings of increased confidence, courage, and love and I want to keep them. For this reason, I will continue to press on.
So, here's to the painful future, where I will continue to grow stronger so I can hopefully become who it is my Father in Heaven created me to become!
I still battle with my fears every day, but as of right now, I feel like I am winning :)
"Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength." Teddy Roosevelt
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7.
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