Social Anxiety- 4 Things we Should Know

Social anxiety- what an awful thing to have to deal with! I've had my ups and downs with it over the years. Coming out of this pandemic, I find myself showing the first signs of social anxiety and wanted to share with you 4 things I think we should all know.

1. Social Anxiety doesn’t occur overnight.

The very first sign preceding social anxiety (at least for me) is reluctance or disinterest in being around other people because it's uncomfortable. This discomfort can be caused by many things, including the way we think we look or the way others have treated us in the past. I was fourteen when I first began to feel this discomfort around other people. It didn’t feel good, so I began to distance myself from others, concluding I was not a people person and that was okay.

This distancing, however, only made things worse. Soon simple social events made me so nervous, I had terrible physical effects. I began stammering bad, when I talked. I would get sick to my stomach with worry, and I would even get large sweat spots under my armpits. Sweat spots I couldn’t hide even with my arms down. I left each social event feeling embarrassed and emotionally exhausted, until I finally gave up socializing all together. I stayed away from all social events and started doing homeschool. Going days without having to interact with others and deal with the social pressure was amazing. I loved it! For the first time in a long time I felt comfortable.

However, after six months, I began to realize there was something I wanted more than just comfort. I wanted a friend. Not having friends is very lonely. Unfortunately by the time I saw the terrible consequences of social isolation, it was too late.

This leads me to number 2

2. Socializing is like a muscle that needs to be exercised every day, otherwise we lose it.

I remember the loneliness that developed from social isolation. I was surrounded by teens everywhere, and yet, I couldn’t connect with a single one. I remember driving by the movie theater or a park where kids my age were playing frisbee and wanting so desperately to be a part of their activities. But I couldn’t. It might sound silly, but I no longer knew how to socialize. What do you talk about? If someone asks you a question, what do you say? And then there was the stammering and sweating; what do you do about that?

Needless to say, I had lost my ability to talk altogether. This went on for a year. It was one of the darkest and loneliness years of my life. I'm so grateful for my amazing family and their love during that time. Without them, I don’t know what I would have done.

3. This goes with number 1. Because social anxiety takes time to get into, it also takes time to get out of.

Sometimes as a society we might look at someone with social anxiety and think they just need to get out into public and talk to people to get over their social anxiety. Even though, yes, the best way to overcome social anxiety is through practice and socializing, it's also important to understand the fear and lost skill that might be involved. They might not know how to communicate anymore, and just like anything else we learn in life, relearning how to talk takes time and a lot of practice.

For me as a teenager the thing that helped me the most was encouraging love. This love did not mean coddling, or feeding the need to stay isolated. Even though I wanted to be coddled, it did not get me to my end goal, which was to have a friend. Thankfully, I had a family who encouraged me to get out, loved me when I failed, and helped me practice over and over again so I could develop the skill.

So social anxiety is a gradual process to get into, and is a gradual process to get out of.

4. Social nervousness is felt by everyone.

Severe social anxiety is the inability to get out into public regardless of how much you want to, because of the crippling fear and lack of skill. Do I still struggle with it anymore? No, I do not.

However, this doesn’t mean I don’t get nervous. Do I still stammer when I talk to people? Sometimes! Do I still sweat like crazy? Occasionally! When I have to meet someone new, or interact with a person who intimidates me, I absolutely get nervous, and that is perfectly normal! As human beings we naturally want to be accepted and loved by others. Socializing puts us on the front line of rejection so no wonder it's so difficult.

I would say the one outstanding difference between myself now and myself as a teenager is my ability to keep trying. As a teenager, if I made a fool of myself around a person, I would go home and personally vow never to talk to that person again, sure they wouldn't care to know someone who stammers. Unfortunately all that did was never give them a chance to see who I really was.

Now fifteen years later, instead of quitting and vowing never to talk to a person again after making a fool of myself, I simply sit down and try to figure out what happened. Why did I get tongue tied? Was I feeling insecure around that person? If so what did they do to make me feel that way? Identifying the 'Why' helps me figure out the 'What'. What am I going to do next time to try to overcome this? This process of continuing to try has gotten rid of the debilitating anxiety that used to cripple me.

So in conclusion, as you poke your head out after this pandemic, I want you to know that if you feel suddenly more socially uncomfortable than you did before, that's okay! I do too.

I also want you to know, though, that the simple every day decisions you make now, will direct where you will go in the future. If you still want friends, force yourself to get out, especially if you don’t want to. It will be worth it!

I remember, after my long and painful struggles, the first time someone asked me to go to a movie with them. It's difficult to describe the joy I felt in being a part of something again. This wasn’t just a movie either, it was a midnight movie! It's a memory I will cherish forever.

Life is hard, but it is even harder when we don’t have a support system there to help us. We are all a gift to each other. Let's not be afraid to remember how to use that gift!